I'm baaaaaaaack...b*tches...

Just kidding about the b*tches part, but I THINK I am back from my blogging hiatus.  THINK being the operative word.  Please note that my lack of blogging wasn't due to laziness, it seems as though I got in way over my head with work, with graduate school, and of course with wedding planning.  The good news is, I survived, so far anyways, the bad news, my workout and diet have suffered immensely, and I am mere sneezes away from wiring my jaw shut and working out 9-5.  More on each of those things later.

Since the end of January, to what is now nearly the end of April, many events have transpired.  I have had two bridal showers, one in Pennsylvania and one in Virginia, I successfully completed my Educational Law course, with an A, I might add, AND my wedding dress has finally come in.  My hope is to do a little chronicalling (not a word, but I like the creation) of these events in the next few days.  Until then...

Blogging and busy-ness.
XOXO.
Terra

Survey says...

It's Wednesday, weigh-in day, cue the gloom and doom music.  Despite weigh-in being after school, which is when I officially weigh-in, I weigh myself the minute I get out of bed to see if I can anticipate a loss for the week.  Regardless of my morning weight, I eat and drink (Well perhaps a few less liquids.) as usual throughout the day.  Today was a little different because it was a snow day!  Snow days are even more fun as an adult than as a child because I get paid for not working!  Ha!  And guess what?  I am DOWN.  Granted it is only 1.5 pounds but I will take it!  My new weight is 268.3, and going down.
Until next week...
260s and hopefully minus 2 pounds.
XO.
Terra

P.S. What I am panicky about...

For your viewing pleasure here is a list I compiled regarding my current panic induced state...
um what am I panicky about...

1. I'm in graduate school and taking Educational Law.  (This is a nightmare, and it makes me feel unintelligent, which makes me sad.)
2. I have to take a state mandated principals exam in June to the tune of $500. (Did I mention that it is SIX HOURS LONG?!)
3. I am worried that I don't like my wedding dress anymore.  (I have no reason to NOT like it, but I am sick that I will go to pick it up and cry because it wasn't what I imagined.)
4. I am the MOH (Maid of Honor) in my cousin Lisa's wedding in May.  (Which I am so honored to be, but being a MOH is tough work, and she is a special girl so I don't want to suck.)
5. I am the MOH in my best friend Tara's wedding in September.  (Again, I am soooooo honored, the timing is just crazy.  I secretly hope I am preggers by then too, after all I will be Mrs. Ward by then.)
6. I have a quiz in law tonight and I STILL don't know the info.  (UPDATE:  I got a 100% on the quiz, although I did guess on 2 of the 5 questions.)
7. My meds have been lowered.  (I take Zoloft for anxiety, a SUPER low dose, at least that is what I tell myself.  My meds have been lowered so that I can get off of them before I get preggers, so I am now taking half-dosages, thus the increased anxiety.)
8. I have a bridal shower in March.  (I am not an ungrateful bitch, but I don't do situations such as those very well because I wear my emotions on my face and if someone gives me a weird crystal bowl, they are going to be able to tell that I am thinking WTF?)
9. I have a bridal shower in April.  (Please see aforementioned explanation.  In addition, having two showers, again, totally grateful, is just twice the anxiety.)
10. I have to go to a shower/bachelorette party in April.  (This is for my cousin Lisa, and I am certain it is going to be a blast, but all her girls are young and fun, and I am old and uncool.)
    
11. We have to go to a wedding in March.  (Stress.)
    
12. We have to go to a wedding in May.  (Stress, AND it is all the way is effing Pennsylvania.)
    
13. I am teach the children.  (Enough said.) 
    
14. I pick up my wedding dress soon.  (This means, I have to love it, and get it fitted, not once but twice.  Also I have to find a flower accent for the dress, and my hair.)
    
15. I am dieting.  (I could eat 30 Big Macs, I swear.)
    
16. I am exercising.  (This is exhausting and I look like a miserable BITCH at the gym, but I go there, get the job done and call it a day.)
    
17. I have NO MONEY, as in can barely even afford my bills.  (Thank God I am marrying up, HA!  Just kidding my sweet future hubs.)
    
18. I don't want anyone to be disappointed with our wedding because we can only afford what we are doing.  (This is pure vanity, but I can't help it.)
19. I slept like shit last night.  (Nothing pisses me off more than sleeping like shit.  UGH.)
    
20. I am eating a deer cheddar dog at 9:55 p.m.  (I couldn't help myself, and the future hubs go me the go ahead.  He is such an enabler, bless his heart.) 

Shorter lists and Chill pills.
XO.
Terra

Wedding dress anxiety...

NOT my dress.  But a plus-sized girl.

For several reasons I have gotten to the point that I can no longer look at wedding magazines.  The first is, I think planning a wedding and having it be perfectly spectacular requires an endless budget (Which I do not have.) and unemployment.  Unemployment (Which is rather contradictory.) due only to the need to spend every waking moment doing (Planning, one of the things I do not excel at and consequently loathe.) wedding stuff, after all there is ALWAYS something to do.  Therefore wedding magazines cause me great stress because I want what the pictures are showing me, but know that having champagne taste on a beer budget, simply isn't possible.  I also cannot justify looking at wedding magazines because I am in graduate school and am currently in the midst of Public School Law, and that is about as much reading as I can handle at the moment.  Another BIG reason for being anti-wedding magazine is the sole fact that they are jam packed full of dresses.  AHHH!  I cannot look at another wedding dress because I am terrified that I am going to hate mine by the time I see it again.  I mean it is only going to be the outfit that I am photographed the most in for the rest of my life, so I better not like it, I better effing LOVE it!  Please note that this post was created a few days ago and has since induced a full-fledged panic attack last night around 1:15 am.  It also had me create a "to do" list including all my responsibilities, commitments, events, assignments, etc., by month.  Hopefully it will provide me with satisfaction as I check them off each month.  UGH. 

Calming thoughts and Positivity.
XO.

Terra

Registry done...ummm, make that a work in progress.

Our focus list created by Katherine.

My future hubs and I registered this week.  This was quite an experience.  I thought it would be sunshine and daisies (I mean we are picking out gifts for people to buy us, what's not to love?!).  While it was fun, it was also kind of stressful.  Enter Katherine, our self-appointed, pseudo-wedding planner, AKA elementary art teacher, organizer, and planner extraordinaire.  We asked her to come with us to be the voice of reason, as C and I are both SUPER opinionated, stubborn, and ALWAYS right.  She happily obliged.  
At this point, you probably need to be reminded, AGAIN, that C and I have been together a decade, and we have been living in cohabitation for at least 6 of those 10 years.  That being said, we have a lot of stuff; enter our difference of opinions.  C thinks that the stuff we have is completely acceptable; never mind that it is our parents hammy-downs from the 80s and 90s, thus leaving our house littered with college furniture and other non-adult decor.  While we are completely appreciative of what we have been given, it is time to retire our antiques (And I don't mean cool, shabby chic antiques, I mean old stuff that no one else wants.) and get some new stuff.
Knowing that there could be some potential disagreements C and I made a plan of attack; our pro bono  wedding planner feverishly typed, at the rate of a courtroom stenographer, as C and I barked out our wish list for the registry.  Nine a.m. the next morning we were on our way to Tyson's, with potential winter weather on our heels.
It should ALSO be noted that due to our guest list being over 300 people, it was completely necessary to register at least three different places..  C and I settled on Macy*s (This is our high-end store, not really but I suppose it can be sort of pricey.), Crate and Barrel (Our middle of the road store, also where we found our everyday dinnerware, as we are NOT registering for china, because we BOTH deem it unnecessary, I know, GASP.), and Bed, Bath, and Beyond (Which we deemed the most affordable of the three.).  Feel free to click the links and go right to our registries, and don't be shy, if you think we forgot some essential items, leave me a comment, after all this is our first time registering for a wedding, first and ONLY time, just to be clear. 
***

On a completely separate note, I left the 270s, AGAIN.  Today was weigh-in day and I was down to 269.8.  Only 69.8 more pounds to go.  I have set up a short term goal, my first bridal shower (This sounds excessive I know, but again with such a large guest list, it was necessary, and one is in PA and one is in VA.) is March 26th, it is my goal to be in the 250s, which is completely realistic, if I could squeak into the 240s, I would be ecstatic, in addition, it would melt my parents little hearts to see me walk in the door at that weight, given it has been YEARS since those numbers were on the scale.  I guess our registry isn't my only work in progress.
Registering and works in progress.
XO.
Terra 

Motivation-less...

Reunion pic, nice face Terra. 

Chris and I get married in exactly 6 months and 2 weeks.  WHOA.  That is exciting and terrifying all wrapped in one.  Exciting, because I will finally be able to marry my best friend and call him my husband.  Terrifying, because I still have 70 pounds to lose.  Not so I look perfect in my wedding dress, not because I don't want to be a "fat bride" but because if I don't get to 200 pounds, it will be very risky to get pregnant if it is even possible.  (I realize 200 pounds sounds incredibly large to the average woman, but I was healthy at 200 pounds, I was happy at 200 pounds, and I had the confidence of a super model at 200 pounds.) This brings me to my current state of being motivation-less.
This weekend I met up with some my college roommates.  My friend Regina summed it up best by saying, "we were each others influence in our 20's (Which is quite possibly an understatement because we lived and breathed each other every second of every day.)  It was then that a lot of us fell in love for the first time, fell out of love for the first time, laughed till our bellies hurt, cried till we had no more tears, and lived each and every day to the very fullest; all while drinking, dancing, and doing some occasional school work.  Meeting up with these girls was like going back in time, (No, we don't still sport the fashions of the turn of the century.) we just picked up, exactly where we left off and it was like no time had gone by, never mind that the last time we were all together was at least 5 years ago.  (Oh and add new boyfriends, fiance's, husbands, apartments, homes, babies, weddings, and continuing education, oh and of course wrinkles, weight gain (I speak only for myself on this one), and better cars.)

Ugly feet, don't worry they aren't mine.

Speaking of being motivation-less, I have been writing this blog since January 9th.  It has no more direction now, than it did then, and if I weren't saddened by the act of deleting my thoughts (be them pointless and dumb) I would stop writing right now.
In closing, I am a prisoner of the 270s, AGAIN.  DAMMIT, it makes me mad.  However, I am working out at the gym, AGAIN, which I loathe.  I have been four times this week and done 30 minutes of cardio each time and even worked in some arm weights and abs, or as I like to call it bending of the stomach, as I am not certain I actually have abs in there.
Banishing the 270s and finding my abs.
XO.

Terra

The BIG "O"

Fertility apps = row 2

WARNING:  This is a TMI post, totally and utterly TMI.

So if you read, Happy New Year...it's 2011! you'd know that one of my resolutions for 2011 was to be more intimate with my future husband (FH).  Enter the BIG O.  It has become such a focus in my life as of late.  Let's be honest, all women want to experience the BIG O.  It is can be very obvious, subtle and unnoticeable, some women might have to take a pill to make it happen and for some it is obsolete.  You guessed it, I am talking about experiencing ovulation.  (I bet you thought I was going to say, orgasm?  Geesh, I am not that crass and I have somewhat of a filter.)  This post is dedicated to ovulation.  To anyone who is trying to get pregnant, has been pregnant, or is pregnant you will understand all the elements of this post best.  To those of you who aren't pregnant, don't want to be pregnant or who are easily offended, this post is going to disgust you, and for that I am sorry.  (Actually, I am not really sorry, just stop reading if you are bothered by the amount of TMI you are about to experience.)  And if you are a nurse, OBGYN, medical professional or someone who has experienced any of the information I am about to write about, please comment, offer words of wisdom, or just let me know that there is hope.

I have hypothyroidism, type II diabetes, am overweight AND have PCOS.  Oh and have I mentioned that I want to get pregnant the second we are married.  (I understand there is a science to getting preggers, which I am trying to master between now and 7/23/11; and realistically I would start trying to conceive in May or June, but my FH is way too conservative for that.  Plus I would hate for the booze portion of our all-inclusive honeymoon go to waste, that would be tragic.) 

How it should look if it's POSITIVE.

Ovulation has literally become an obsession to me.  Since last December I have been tracking my periods (Yes, there's an app for that and on my iphone I have roughly 5.).  While I get a period every month, they aren't regular and instead of the average 28 day cycle, I range from 31 (my shortest) to 46 (my longest).  Enter my OBYN and endocrinologist.

It was recommended that I not only chart my cycles, but also track my BBT (basal body temperature, it's just your morning temp before you get up and get moving).  In addition, I need to be observant of my cervical mucus.  (Um, WTF, seriously, I have to peruse the region of my vag for the consistency of the mucus that comes out of my cervix when I think I am ovulating, seriously?!?)  I then have to describe my findings, and keep my fingers crossed for a stretchy, "egg white" consistency, thus indicating ovulation.  Well these were my findings, pictured left (I opted to remove the picture, so as to not offend but should you wish to see what I am talking about, comment me your email and I will send the picture to you, they are medical findings afterall), but according to my ovulation prediction kit (OPK) I am STILL NOT ovulating.  As for my BBT chart, I have no idea how the hell to interpret that damn thing and I don't think I have been doing it long enough to have any concrete findings.  (Even my Indian Doogie Howser M.D. seemed perplexed.)  If I continue to fail to ovulate (According to my Dollar Tree OPK anyways.) perhaps I will try a more reputable brand.  For now, here is a picture of my most recent test, and a picture of the box that it came.  

My NEGATIVE test

For those of you who want to get pregnant a year or two from now, START THIS PROCESS NOW.  You will get to know your body and be super prepared when you are officially ready to try and have a baby.
Praying and Planning.
XO.
Terra

P.S.  I have been imprisoned by the 270s again.  Bastards.  I weighed in today and am at 273.1.  Mother effer.  I am going to have to work extra hard this week to regain my freedom from the 270s...AGAIN.